phillyphan

Hey, so this is the second time ive tried writing this most important entry. Its storming outside and the first time i was desperately trying to recount my day, the storm hit and i had to shut down my baby that i call my desktop computer, and beg my sister to loan me hers. She was in the living room banging on the piano, so i figured she wouldnt mind. I am in the dark, desolate dining room next door and i will try to recreate and finish my story.

From the top, today was saturday. i had work, so i saw Romer who is the main topic on my mind, of course since i went through 8 hours of wanting, wishing i could tell him everything. just everything in general. J wasnt at work today, so i was lost to begin with. Shes my best friend at work, one year older, and when she goes to college in DC in the fall i dont know what i will do alone. The only staff, paid, people on my staff today were myself and N. N was mainly just in her office though so i was out on the floor alone with 8 volunteers....joy. The other staff in the building also had a lot of new workers today who i met. Mostly guys that were nice. The mornings are dull, not many people and Romer isnt too close by. By the afternoon though i had a casual conversation with him and then with the other new workers, all only for summer jobs though. The end of the day was when it hit me, again. I missed work last week so i hadnt been really thinking about him as much as usual, and the weeks before i had sort of avoided him becasue i knew this would happen. So at the end of today i was sitting outside, waiting for my ride, when he came by and started talking. I dont even remember what it was about. Maybe another worker who's strange. Maybe the weather. But anyway i wanted him to stay. As he slowly moved away with each sentence, because he obviously had somewhere to go, i talked more, and more quickly. Finally he said 'see ya later, take care' and walked away down to the road to go home. I wanted so badly to chase after him and tell him everything. everything i was thinking and needed to say so desperately. All the thoughts i had stuffed up inside me from the last 2 years. But as i usually do, and is the painful truth, i just sat there and watched. Until he crossed the street, went down the next block, turned down another street, and vanished. I wished i'd said something else or did something. But i didnt know what even i meant i wanted myself to do and i still dont know what i wouldve done to correct my actions now. I probably never will. I really have a hard time understanding myself sometimes. what i want. what i actually am trying to do or get. Do i want that? or am i just bored, or missing something that once was? Hopefully someday ill figure that out, even if its too late to do anything. Its been on my mind though everyday, for the past almost 2 years. and no one knows. and i dont know when itll go away. maybe sometime when i really feel like writing an earful ill record the whole story behind this. and then maybe you and i will understand what happened. Maybe he knows. or mayb has no clue.

So i feel a little better, and tomorrow is a new day, hopefully not stormy, and ill volunteer at my other museum...and eat at whole foods!!! yayy. I will miss talking to my best friend, Z online tonight-she knows somewhat of my Romer issue, but maybe ill read and take some time for myself. i also wish i could talk to J, and tell her other funny stories about work. Shell be at work next week, and itll definitely be better and she'll keep my mind off Romer.

My new love. peanut butter. Well actually more like a rediscovered love. Since, as Ive mentioned before, I get painfully bored during these early summer days, I have begun to look forward to my peanut butter sandwich everyday for lunch. I probably havnt been on a constant peanut butter lunch diet since I was 5. Maybe because my school doesnt allow us to bring peanut butter. "It's like bringing a gun to school." Also, I must add that it is a peabut butter sandwich, ie no jelly. But anyway, this new obsession has brought me to enjoy these summer days away from school, at home, where I can eat my peanut butter in peace.

So, to the bad news. I was finished dinner last night, sitting at the table talking, or rather making sarcastic conversation with my fam, when all of a sudden i felt something unusually abnormal on my upper row of molars. A hole. What? A small part of my tooth was missing, however at the time it felt like a crater at the back of my mouth. I showed my 13 year old sister and she diagnosed a small cavity in the back that had caused it to break. Shit. I hate the dentist. and I am ocd about the cleanliness of my teeth. But Im gona call him today....or tomorrow maybe? 

I had a tennis lesson thismorning. A private lession, my first one since the end of the season (in november!). So as u might have already guessed, it wasnt amazing. I love tennis and Im not too shabby, but the heat kills me. After tennis (which i drove both to and from!!), I stopped at starbs, painted my nails 3 diffferent colors, and then did my italian unit 1 milestone test. Yes i passed. And after a morning full of hot, and also lazy summer activivites, i had my peanut butter sandwich. Ahhhh peanut buttery goodness.

Tomorrow i have work. Yay but not. I missed it last week for sat2s so Im excited to go back kinda. i need to. Its one of those things thats been a routine for the last 2 years, every Saturday. So missing a week feels like not having your regular, comfy pillow for a night, plus my paycheck looks sad. Romer will be there also, so hopefully I will have the latest on that stagnant, unineresting relationship progress. But nomatter what, i will definitely have stories. Always. Even in these early and uneventful days of hot, humid summer.

ps. the phillies beat the marlins last night, if you didnt know. hah. hahahaa dont even try to take away that first place : )

Ahhhhhhg the Phillies. Lost to the Marlins again. They need to come back to Philly and start kicking butt. And i need to go to a game, mostly for the food.

Today i walked 5 miles, and while walking i figured out a plan of action for my summer schedule issues. I decided to email my boss and say i need to know about summer asap. and i did. and she responded. asap(wow). and said she didn't need me. fine. whatever. So i emailed my other boss and said i would volunteer. I'm planning on that now, which will start in 2 weeks, and up until i go to penn camp. What about the next 2 weeks?? Well I think Im gonna finish some summer reading, learn italian, write college essays, and lose some weight. sounds relaxing right? BORING. Like i said before, i cant stand being idle and not working at something. So its not that easy. But i think i can deal, and pretend im getting something done.

I also found out about more people going to penn camp today. More and more are sounding normal. yay, relief. And also i can probably go to the Coldplay concert which was rescheduled for 7/25, and phillie photo day the next day, because we have weekends off. :) hopefully. everything lately is hopefully.  I find that a lot in life. You never know until the moment something happens if its for sure. I try to have faith and trust in people but, what can i say, i have obvious trust issues and to be honest, usual stuff doesnt work out. majorly. If i trust you ive either known you for a long timw or we just click.-which is unusual but you know. Anyway, im hoping all my plans work out and i can stay sane up here alone. 

Ahhh sweet, relaxing summer. Ive had so much time the past 2 days to think, clean, and just be a lazy ass watching tv. My summers are never like this.- Im usually scheduled from june to september with work, tennis, volunteering, and summer reading. This summer however, I have minimal summer reading because I'm taking no history classes (:D) and i only have 2 english books to read. Im liking senior year already. Also i monly working on the weekends right now. And for sports, um it happens to 100 degrees in Philly right now, if you havent heard.

Today i completely cleaned every square inch of my room. Well maybe not every square inch, but atleast the square inches i have to look at everyday. So i felt proud of myself....and then had nothing productive to do.  So i went downstairs, got out some choco-chip teddy grahms, and watched an hour of what i like about you. Yes, i still consider amanda bynes hilarious.

Speaking of tv shows, Greek last night was..uuuh..idk what to say. It was not satisfying and harshly realistic. If i do say so myself. I mean if Im gonna watch tv atleast make it blatantly unreal and somewhat humorous. Cassie didn't get evan or cappie in the end and cappie was still with rebecca and evan with franny. Ugh, in short, life isn\'t fair and guys suck. Okay that sounds bad but I\'m really mad i have to wait til september for a new season!

Also I've been looking at my summer program groups and people that will be there. I think half the people are international, which is crazy. I'm excited to meet all these people and hopefully will come out less racist?...doubtful but i will try. I think everyone is. everyone. Im kinda nervous for it because ive never been to an academic summer program before...and these people seem pretty intense. I still have a month til this program though, and in that time I\'m trying to organize myself and get some college visiting in. Its summer, life is boring, but i guess you have to give up your constant social life commotion and booked up activites to get a little peace time away from school. Obviously Im always busy and i can\'t stand a dull moment. I dont really know where i got that from. This is actually hard for me to sit back and just let life pass while doing idle shit. I really cant take it. i cant. I feel like im in a cage. Who knows, maybe something random will happen. It usually does when i least expect it.

So this weekend was fun...ish. On saturday i had sats, so i missed work, but afterwards i went over to my friend's house and went swimming. It was just like me and my 2 best friends from school so we chatted/celebrated, drank coffee and ordered pizza. Then my dad picked me up and we went to cirque du soleil. It was the best one ive seen so far, definately. The contortionists were insane.

Today was another fab day in the city volunteering, except that it was hella hot outside- so my walk to whole foods required a venti iced caramel macchiato. I'm actually meeting people there so its pretty chill. I kinda like someone but ehh we shall see. Im not too quick to start conversations or like someone just cuz they hit on me, anymore. Sometimes i think i do but i think its cuz its summer, and I'm looking for stuff to do and obsess over.- Like if i actually had school or a life right now i totally wouldn't care, but just cuz he's semi nice, hit on me, and we talk a lot im like ahh sweet. but no. Thats what happened last year with romer, i think...Anyway after work i drove to the mall and met my fam and cousins from south carolina. We ate and then just shopped and talked. While i was in the apple store i saw one of my old friends from work, A ! She left in the 'civil war', and went to look for grad schools. She's going to brandeis so hopefully i will visit there wooo.

I also re-thought the coldplay tickets many times this week. We haven't gone over this so I'll start from the top. I have 4 tickets. First idea was to just bring 3 of my best friends, duh. But then i was like okay maybe ill tell romer and see what he says. But wtf was i thinking?! i totally must have been on sumthing cuz just no. what no. hell no. that would just end in me feeling sorry for myself and feeling like shit for a week. So now i am taking 2 of my friends from school, not like best, but i think they like coldplay better and i dont get to hangout with them much so what the hell. Ohh and my best friend from work, J. I figure its a cool group and somehthing different. Ahhh so excited. 

Ugh this week is gona be so blah. I feel outta the loop since i didn't go to work yesterday....and bored cuz i cant stop eating twix and i wana talk to this person and i cant find them on facebook. no life. yes. But my plans are to sit around and chill, swim, attempt to revamp my tennis skills, try this rosetta stone italian thing, drive majorly, and plan college visiting. Ohhh and make my room not look like a homeless shelter. So i guess i have some stuff to do...? Greek season finale is on tomorrow night, so what's not to like anyway haha.