phillyphan

Yes. I am glad to report that this will be a somewhat enthusiastic, joyful entry. AND i happen to be writing this on a Saturday. How is this possible? Yes, i had work, yes i saw Romer, yes i was tired. Did i use the Romer is gay strategy? no. Anyhow i did have a sucessful, pleasing day. Okay so what actually happened... I got to work and J was there! We chatted most of the morning until she had to leave at 2pm. Throughout the day i talked to Romer, nice conversation actually, just tid-bits, but something never the less. Once we talked for a long time, and in the middle of the convo he told me 'not to leave, dont go'. This proved to me that he wasnt trying to escape. Maybe he was just talking to me because he was bored and needed company, but he still wasn't annoyed and he wanted to talk. to me. So i keep telling myself something i probably shouldn't: It's the age difference, and if i keep trying, not too hard- but to be cordial and myself, eventually everything will work out with us. I know all of that is true except maybe the last two words. But its something to work with right? I think so. The age difference comes in because he always says 'college kids to this, blah blah', so i know im considered in high school aka younger- for another year. Its just too perfect to go to waste. All this time. I know itll work out and for now, we can be friends again. peace at last. i hope, and someday better friends? Again with the mushy. So today i did not watch him walk down the street, wishing to run after him immediately and cry. At the end of today, we had a short conversation and then we said 'see ya later'. He walked down the street and i went the other way, my way for now. I know i have made an impact on him that he wont forget or erase, maybe not as large as the impact i feel but hey its one of newton's laws: when an object applies a force to another object, both objects feel an equal and opposite force. I felt confident, for the first time in a while, that everything will work out if i stick with it and just be myself, normal and 'sometimes a little prickly'.

Taurus: You feel like you haven't been yourself around someone lately, but that will begin to change today. .

After work, i went to the Phillies game with my dad. The angels scored 2 runs and finally in the 6th, the Phillies also scored 2. Sadly, the angels won 6-2. ew. Dont wana talk about it. But it was still fun, and its amazing having the house to myself. Tomorrow im working at my other museum and then working there all week. fun. work is fun. not. But it is better than feeling useless at home and i feel like im getting something done. yay. As i promised, a happy entry. bisous! ciao.

Today was plain, but a great day in the life. Basically, my mom and nana took my sister down to Miami for camp! So what? Well my sisters gona be there for 5 weeks but my mom is going down with her until tuesday to help her with her bags and get situated. Sooo bottom line: my mom is gone until Tuesday. todays Friday. Sweeeet, with a capital S. My dad and I are obviously celebrating. - We went out to dinner tonight, and tomorrow after work we're going to the Phillies game. wooo. Im also having abuncha friends over before she comes home. ahhh freedom at last.

I also had lunch with my best friend, Z. I talk to her almost everyday online or on the phone, for a longgg time, but we still needed to catch up, in person. So we went to bertuccis, then shopping, and then she showed me around where she works. We talked about her flying-- ohh shes getting her pilate's license this year, which is pretty awesome, and she told me about her first day going up, which was yesterday. We ended our extravaganza at starbucks, of course, where two annoying 13 year old boys begged us to help them with their huge, jigsaw puzzle. We declined the offer, sadly, first because we were startled that we might look 13 and second because...we had to talk about Romer and Zs crush. i hate that word, crushhh (they do crush you). If you've noticed, in person and just in any conversation im reallllly not a softy, or mushy, or luvy, or whatever people call that kinda personality. My dad, who probably knows me best, told me im prickly, while my mom, who knows me the least-but never the less well enough, calls me "the cold-hearted bitch". I dont know which is true, but i like to think that my dads discription is more accurate, if either. Outside of my house, i dont think people consider me that way, because i really do have a lot of friends, both at school and at work, i guess. I pretty much get along with anyone, and if i dont, i definitely dont show it in front of them. Maybe thats why i take out a lot of anger at home sometimes. Im really organized and like things the right way, maybe a little too much...and of course im not mushy because of the whole failed relationships thing.

Anyway, tomorrow is Satruday which means duh nuh nuh nuh...work. right. I need to get out of the house. Lets put it that way. And as for Romer, of course ill return with more stories, the latest, though im trying to distance myself. Ohhh i forgot the most important thing Z helped me out with today.-- She told to pretendconvince myself that Romer is gay. I think it might work, and i can convince myself that hes not available anymore. So we'll try that, even though it is stretching it a bit. I'm going to see J tomorrow! yayy. And after work, Phillies! I havent been to a game in literally a month. Life is back to normal after today, working everyday, literally, until i go to camp. And then after Penn...well the wisdom teeth drama will have to wait, or hide somewhere until i come back in August. Will report back tomorrow.

Today I went college visiting all day with my dad, to lehigh and lafayette. I leanred a lot. Not just about the colleges but about college-and life, in general. First i learned that there are a million people applying for college, and though i may have almost straight As and good sats, its a toss up no matter what. I also learned that i like lehigh as a second choice to penn, but lafayette not so much-maybe as a safety. The most important thing i learned is probably that college is its own little unit, a new life, and way to space yourself from everything, everyone rather. Today was the first real day of college visiting. I mean ive been to Penn a couple times and Cornell once, but i havent visited anywhere beside my dear little Penn really. So going into today i had the attitude that i wanted a school near a city, and the school in the middle of bumblefuck Pennsylvania would not suit me at all, but i needed to tell my college counselor i tried looking beyond Penn. However, during, and especially after the tours i felt revived and had a new perspective. From lehigh, i learned that though there isnt a big city or off-campus scene, kids have fun, do well, and make friends there. I also always pictured myself completely bored and dying of depression up in those mountains with no Philly. No where to escape to. No where to find another life if mine isnt working out. No one off campus to chat with about something other than school or the last school football game. Though I am addicted to Philly and my busy life here, i realized that the serenity might be good for me. What, Miss Philly Phan? Well of course this related to Romer.--Many other things, but he is a concrete, important, life-consuming example that i can use to prove my point. Basically, i didnt think about him the whole day today...who would have thought?- a whole day without even thinking about Romer. like woah. Im not even joking. I was with my dad, talking college, engaged in the middle of nowhere campus/environment, learning about programs. Even when i got home today, and now, though its wearing off being on facebook and online and thinking about him again, i feel freed and removed from the constant thoughts of him and the routine busy-ness of my life. I came home, only thiking about my future--like longterm future, not tangled in high school drama, facebook, and emails from work. It was reviving, and even a bit theraputic. Though my top choice college is still in amazing, wonderful, mind-boggling, busy, crazy Philly, i am open to other choices and can see why they could also be a possible fit for me. lalala ciao. bisous.

So yeah i went to the dentist finally for that tooth. He fixed it with a filling and then told me the bad news...i have to get my wisodm teeth out. Ahhhhhh ive been afraid of this for years. I knew id have to though, i mean its just my luck. Probably in August, after camp, if i can convince myself not to avoid it.

Other than la dentista today was chill, i had a phone interview to work a camp for the next couple weeks which should be fun-ish? A lot of e-mail responding. Tomorrow I'm college visiting with my dad. We're gona go to lehigh and lafayette...I really want a college next to/in a city but these are safeties and they're "on my list" so whatever, its good driving practice. Short and sweet, I'm off to watch the Phillies beat the Red Sox!

ps: i desperately want to text or call Romer. I hope i dont explode on Saturday.

I really apologize that i havent been able to write an upbeat entry for a while.  I really wanna write one about how amazing summer is, how happy and busy i am...but its just not the case. And so that i dont take out my anger on people, in person, i take it out here...and on my friend Z also. Z is amazing. She stays up into the wee hours listening to my wining(online) and suffering over my life. She says shes in the same situations and always supplies advice. I wish i could take all of it, but i do try to.

Today i volunteered at my other museum. It was fun, the usual, nothing super exciting. I got to talk to a bunch of my friends and walked to whole foods and starbs. Sometimes i wish i could drop school now and move into the city and live in a loft and not have to drive 30 minutes to find civilization and leave everything i know now and be able work everyday - not hardcore work but just the job i have. Thats silly though i guess. Anyway, after work i went to nanas house for fathers day. wooo. We went swimming and i met my uncles new girl friend that he already screwed over so i dont think she'll last long even though shes pretty down to earth and gets all my jokes. Everyones relationships in my family make me think, again, how things never work out. never. Whats the point of searching and having a big to-do about getting married, having kids, etc, when it just makes your life worse and becomes an obsession. I can truely say that ive never seen a relationship actually work. I understand that no relationship can be perfect, but ive never seen one even work to make people happier in the end. The exception would be my grandparents but theyre old, and their kids did ruin their lives, i must say. So, why do i still chase after Romer? Here we go again: i dont know. I know maybe he doesnt like me but theres always that microscopic chance and signal once in a while, that he does and he thinks about it. Ive been thinking about what i want to say, ie what i wanted myself to say yesterday when i had the foreign, unusual urge to run after him. i love you, always have, and whatever happens never change. But as always: i dont know what would actually say, or if im imagining everything.

If i could have one wish tonight, id wish upon a satillite, to bring me back to you, to bring my back to you.

My sister and i just finished watching 13 going on 30. ahh such a good, classic chick flick. Movies like that one and uptown girls used to be my handbook for life. This week is another long, boring week of what i like about you, exericise, reading, college visiting, italian, and swimming... and Romer pondering (gahh). life boring enough yet? yes, make it stop. Im still waiting for that thing to happen. My sister and my mom go to miami on friday so i will have the house to myself (while my dads in his office) for 4 days. That will be sweeet and i will hopefully get some partying in and get stuff of my mind. So ciao for now.