phillyphan

My first new years resolution was to stay positive.

fail.

Its hard to stay positive in January. Maybe ill try February. Another one of my resolutions was to not procrastinate. Ah, well, ill just tell you about my life now. Last week was long, but finally on friday i hung out with J! She went back to school today, sunday, so we hung out on walnut street, saw bride wars which was actually pretty funny, she slept over, and we went to work saturday. We talked a lot about our new years and funny people, of course. Saturday at work was fun, so many inside jokes i dont know how to start. The Gran Torino was basically the joke of the day, along with the stain in the exhibit that looks like blood but is actually battery acid. The day went pretty quickly cuase it was hilarious and we helped H clean the craft closet, its a challenging job. It was crazy at work though because of construction for the new exhibit and everythings getting revamped this week. After work i went to Gran Torino with my dad. First half= hilarious, second half= intense. I never knew so many asian slurs existed haha but it was a tad violent for me. Today was Sunday. oh Sunday. I had work, as usual, which was longer today for a number of reasons:

1: J wasnt there because she was on her way back to school.

2: It wasnt crowded with visitors, or staff.

3: Romer was there. Saturday he wasnt because it was some family persons birthday party.

Obviously the thrid reason would carry the most weight here. Lets rewind now, a little. New years day-night i imed Romer that i hate him because he signed off on me earlier, and i was just in a really bad mood about him i forget why. Then the next night i felt bad so imed him and apologized and he didnt answer (i was kinda glad). So a couple days went by and on monday he imed me. yes, Romer imed me all by himself. He said its funny how i talk to myself online when hes not there...oh its just so funny. not. But we talked for a good two hours. He told me that he hooked up with a hot girl on new years. great. Finally i remembered that i promised myself i wouldnt talk to him, so to make up for my horrible mistake i ended the convo awkwardly, and signed off. Tuesday and Wednesday we were both online but no one cracked. Thursday...who would it be? Surprisingly, he imed me again. Just a 'hey _, whats up?' this time. I love it when he uses my name. I mean its better when he says it in person but ill take online anytime. So Z advised me to just have a short convo. So i talked to him for two hours. yeah... It ended better than before, but still not the normal sweetie convo. Now the question: why did he im me? Obviously monday night because i had imed him before, but why thrusday? Ive narrowed it down to either he thought monday was awkward and wanted to fix that or he was bored and thought id have some amusing story. Im leaning toward the first because he isnt usually the one to im me. Moving on, i made a mistake and texted him yesterday. i had to. i promise, it was hilarious-- an old volunter--long story but i had to. right? Yeah, after i thought i shouldnt have. But now i know the feeling of it not being returned, and wishing i hadnt, so it wont happen again. Finally back to today, like i told Z, it didnt go quite as planned. I was planning to avoid Romer, talk to other staff, and just chillax. Instead i had to pass the coat room during my break and he caught me, and we talked for about 10 minutes. After that i avoided him a lot, until he caught me at the end of the day upstairs. He came into the exhibit like "hey arent you not supposed to be here." and i said "yea i am actually, but i can leave." so i left, which resulted in him chasing me around the exhibit until i went in the girls bathroom. I came out 5 minutes later and he came out of nowhere. We talked for a half hour til closing time. yep. The convo consisted of me saying yes and no mostly while he teased me like a meanie. I was kinda touchy. ahhg. Finally he said "why do you make it awkward with us. it doesnt have to like..." and just started rambling about something else. I just said well maybe im awkward. I didnt exactly know how to respond.  It was a weird day. I dont know how else to put it. Im getting over it though, truly i am. Whenever i think of him i just make myself picture him hooking up with some random slut totally drunk and him becoming sober and saying that he wouldnt care if i didnt exist tomorrow. yep, thats how it goes. he does say that a lot to me though in reality, joking, or maybe not? Anyway, its been working, atleast today. He doesnt care and as much as i like to over analyze his every move, everything he says, he leaves work and forgets everything and doesnt think about me until he has to see me the next weekend. Hes a guy. I will never know. End of story. for now.

So besides that rant, im dreading school tomorrow even more than work. Ive been talking to Z about Romer, and she just laughs. Its getting there. I also have ballet tomorrow! Yay one point for postive! Ciao!

It's a new year, and everyones writing their stupid resolutions and putting them on facebook and buying new organizers and acting peppy. So why do i feel like im just going back to the old humdrum after a nice long winter break? Maybe because i am. Not much is changing. Basically im back to school, midterms are in three weeks, and january is bor-ra-ra-ra-ing. Now lets focus on the positive. Im into Penn (sigh of relief), i just started ballet again today which makes me feel so much more in shape, and im planning an awesome spring break and summer trip right now. Alright, i feel better.

Anyway, today was the first day back to school so i saw everyone. Everyone meaning my three best friends from school A, Z, and K, and then also my outer circle that i talk to. The main topic was M's new years party, if you recall from the last entry, it was crazy. Even i didnt know some of the stuff that went down. I wish i wouldve been more open and met people. I just watched a new episode of gossip girl -- the show that always makes me feel like i should go upstairs afterwards and fix my hair and paint my nails. Blair was chasing Chuck trying to help him through his drug addiction even though he said he doesnt need her, and finally she told him she'd always be there and whatever he was doing to himself--dont do it to her. Okay, so this is a bit extreme to compare to my Romer situation, but you get the idea--minus the drugs. I accept that i will always be there for Romer no matter what, i cant help it, and hopefully he knows that. But like Z told me, i need to find someone who likes me, so what do i do? Keep trying to pursue Romer and stick around waiting for him? Or am i waiting for something that just will never exist? As of now my answer is that i think he knows im there, obviously doesnt think of me that way, but i hope he knows i would do anything for him. Sometimes i wish i was Blair Waldorff and i could cry at myself in the mirror and then go rescue Romer from his lonliness. I was talking to one of my other friends today, S, and shes also having guy issues-- much newer but she said she gets depressed at night too. I dont know why that is but im fine during the day and then at night all i want to do is call him and tell him everything happening and just spill. S doesnt know what shes in for.

I just realized that i painted my nails the same three colors as the bag of m&ms i custom made at m&m world the other day in nyc. sweet. NYC was so much fun! My dad and i went to soho in the morning, found purses at sketchy random chinatown shops, then shoped in actually soho. We ate lunch at my fav french cafe there and then took a cab back up to the upper east side, walked down 5th ave, and ate dinner at virgils in times square. Good times. Yesterday i cleaned, ran, and went tanning. Technically i shouldve been ready for school, but how can you ever be ready for january? Ahhg.

The rest of this week is dull. Tomorrow is Tanning Tuesday, a new year weekly tradition im starting... tomorrow! Yea, im a loser. I also have ballet tomorrow. Im taking at new dance place-- not in the city with my sister but its a lot closer for me and i really want to exercize. Friday im probably hanging out with J and then saturday is her last day of work before she goes back to shcool, ugh! I want to talk to Romer so bad, but i refuse to be immature and annoying so here i shall sit, waiting, and talking to Z and K of course. ciao!

So im tired. Since after Christmas ive just been working...well the 26th through the 31st. I got to see J a lot before she goes back to school and im making extra cash. After work on wednesday, 31st, i went to M's party. A lot of random people from everywhere were there. I went with my friends R and H. Almost too much happened to rehash it all. I didnt drink that much so i do remember most of it. R drank and got sick, missed the ball drop, bummer. Everyone else was pretty much off the wall horny and crazy. I wanted to meet somebody but all i could think about was Romer. Oh i totally forgot!...

After work on Wednesday he gave me the hug. We hug after work a lot but on Wednesday it was the hug, like the hug with the extra little something, and i didnt initiate "the extra", let me just add. I guess "the extra" was a sort of mini lift squeeze thing. yea, that. It was amazing and made my day. I mean obviously if im still talking about it, it was awesome, even if i dont know what it means. We talked a lot this week. Were still in our love-hate relationship but heavier on the love this week.

Anyway, at the party he was on the mind. Then i drank a little, socialized, took care of my friends, watched the ball drop, and thought of him again as everyone was "getting together" lets say. Naturally after shouting with everyone, i went and texted him. Nothing deep hah actually sort of an inside and joke and happy new year. then my phone died 5 minutes later. so yes, i dont know if he texted back, and when i charged it i didnt get any of my text from the night before. I wanted to ask him but i dont want to be annoying. I just imed him though, 2 days later. I hope thats okay. After midnight the party went downhill, S lost her virginity - ew - and everyone kinda split off. I went upstairs with R and put her to bed, and then slept for about four hours because it was so cold in that house. We all woke up by 7 and then B, R, and i went to ihop for breakfast to catch up and remember the night haha and have some real food.

Overall the night was crazy but pretty fun. I got to see everyone, except my three best friends ironically, but still im glad i went. Today while i was cleaning i was thinking about how crazy everyone was and if theyd regret it now or later sometime and i thought of one actual good thing that might come from my whole Romer issue, if nothing else. Thinking about him for the last two years has kept me from doing anything i would regret and going too far. I mean S lost her v card randomly, and so have most of my other friends. I would never want to randomly do that because im desperate. Even though im lonely, pretending Romer is waiting for me has helped me i guess.

I had lunch with Z today finally. I told her about the other night, she was with her bf and missed out. She also lost her card this week, but atleast relationship has been going for almost 6 months, hes pretty committed, even i would admit. She gave me really good advice about Romer: "i think you should find someone who likes you a lot." From what she knows, which includes almost everything, its clear she thinks he doesnt. and looking at it from a real-life perspective, shes right. He just signed off. Without responding to me. I know hes a guy but if he did care at all, well i dont know. Im always the one contacting him. Sometimes i almost get tired of it and i like it when he acts like i dont exists because it makes me feel like he does about me. Except in a few days ill want to talk to him again, im him, and he will explain some story about not getting my im or start an epic about why he didnt respond. But ill have to say hi before he starts it. I want to like someone else who likes me, i wish i wouldve met someone at the party, but i couldnt.

So during this post i went invisible so that my dad would think i went to bed, and Romer signed back on right when i "signed off". I dont know if ill regret this but i just imed him again, while invisible, but said "i hate you". and signed off. Whatever. am i mental? I really dont know. I hope not. I need to get out. Luckily, im going to nyc tomorrow with my dad. Im going to go get packed for that.

Two more days of break.

Christmas is over already. But im still on break, and i love it!... fooled you with that title huh? Yea, i am taking a love break also but thats been going on for almost 18 years.  Christmas was pretty awesome atleast gifts wise. I got a new blackberry and a gps for my car. I also got a lot of  random little stuff, along with money from the grandparents and other family. Im working the long weekend so i started yesterday- the day after Christmas- and im working until Sunday, then taking almost a whole week off to do whatever the hell i want...aka shopping and looking for scholarships online. This is the mad holiday craft weekend at work so yesterday and today were hectic. My manger decided, of course, to to do not a holiday theme but a cultural theme..? Yea, so we have crafts such as austrailian clapping sticks, polor bear puppets from antarctica, mosaics from i dont know where, paper dragons obviously asian, and corn husk dolls from colonial America. Oh and today we hosted about 20 hawiian dancers, without a manager, she was sick. I love crafts but today was kinda crazy even for me, i almost flipped out at this australian lady because she wouldnt help her two year old kid who was screaming for 15 minutes. It just gets too much. And to top it all off, some lady asked to borrow my chair to nurse her baby. burn that chair. Me, J, and N made a hugeee purple dragon at the end of the day though to cool down.

Last night was fun cuz i finally got to go to a movie. I went to see benjamin button. It was a little weird but i loved it. Obviously atleast half the credit goes to Brad Pitt but the movie was cool haha. I would definitely see it again.

Hopefully tomorrow wont be as stressful. Ciao!

Before i actually start, let me just say: I WAS ACCEPTED TO PENN !

Yes im so excited and relieved! I found out almost 2 weeks ago and ive just been so caught up in people finding out from college and holiday stuff. Anyway, it is Christmas eve so i should be in an extra good mood. My family just had dinner and were going to church later.

Im glad school is finally over for two more weeks and i can relax. As far as college goes, H got into Cornell, S got into Duke, and K got into WashU. So many people have been accepted early its amazing. but a lot have been defered too. Ahh im just glad its over. Now i just have to do school for fun? or to learn what ill probably have to know next year. I joined a Penn rommates group on facebook so its cool to meet people and see what you have in common.

Ive been on break for almost a week. Over the weekend i worked, monday i went to nanas house and baked cookies and then went out for my dads birthday, and tuesday i wrapped a gazillllion presents. my favorite thing to do. At work J is home from break so its fun hanging out with her. Last Monday was the holiday party and one of the older voluntters, I, decided to celebrate my Penn acceptance to the fullest. She brought wine to the table and we drank, and drank, and drank some more while talking about random stuff. After she left i went to say bye to M and J, coworkers, but they told me not to leave cause i looked a little tipsy, and so were they. We hung out at their desks, M drove my car out of the lot and we decided to take a Starbucks walk. So we all walked to Starbucks and then i went home a few hours later haha. good times.

Sorry to say, i am actually speaking to Romer. How could i not? After that weekend we sorta started a love-hate relationship. We have a tease fight, then have a normal convo, then i try to run him over, then he locked me in a closet, then we talk online for a good two hours, and so it goes on and on and on. I guess its funny? Im just waiting out the storm. but waiting for what? i tell myself i hate him, and occasionally tell him that to make it seem realistic, and he tells me the same. Then i bought him a Christmas present hah. I vent to him cuz i have no one to vent to (except Z who is obsessed with her bf) and i buy him stuff cuz i have no bf to buy for. I guess thats why im writing on Christmas eve, cuz thats just about all i can think about right now.

Saturday night was my cousins wedding. finally haha. He was going to have it two years ago but it never actually happened. He was just busy but they finally went through with it and it was fun. I got to see everyone and they had a lot of...alcohol. and candy!

Such is life and tomorrows CHRITMAS! my favorite day of the year. by far. I dont know what it is about Christmas but im obsessed with everything about it. I dont want it to be over. It came so fast this year. Hopefully some of it will last for the rest of break til new years! Ciao for now!