phillyphan

Luckily, atleast right now, i can say that im finally finding my way out of that hole. Yes, school starts tomorrow, a new year, and that usually sucks... but compared to what ive been through that last few weeks (and even yesterday), school wont put a damper on my life coming out of recession. The weekend was refreshing to say that least. Friday i went up to the US Open with my family and some friends from the tennis team. We watched Federer and Djokovic, shopped, and mostly ate. It was pretty awesome i must say. Saturday was even better. I drove into the city for work and successfully parked. yay. Even though it was my first week without J, i survived and if you can guess why im even happy...yes, youre correct, I have begun to rekindle my friendship with Romer. We talked a lot on Saturday and it wasnt awkward at all. I had prepared to give him my speech that i planned last week, but it wasnt even necessary because we had such good convos. However, he did decline my offer to drive him home, but that was asking a bit much anyway. Saturday night he even texted me though, and aim convos have been short, but there. hes there. totally. and im excited.

Yesterday sure ended with a bang. literally. I went to my other job, with my dad because he wanted to go food shopping, and on the way home we were hit. my first car accident. it sucked. Atleast it wasnt my fault, but i still feel bad for my car and all the repairs it will have to go through. So yesterday i was pretty down, and so i ate ice cream and went to bed early. However today my fabulous dad surprised me by telling me that he had decided to buy a new car for himself and i could come with him to pick it out, and use it while my car was being fixed. could i ask for better dad?? never. theres no competing with him. Now we have this shiny new car in the driveway. Since the cars are almost identical, we named them mary-kate and ashley(even though theyre ferternal). wow i feel spoiled. Ive never felt spoiled before. I kinda hate it, but at the same time, what would i do without a car for the first week of school? So to conclude my weekend, we went to my nanas house for a labor day party and came home to watch the season premiere of gossip girl.

Besides the accident, this weekend was the best opportunity I couldve had to climb back up on top. I finished most of my pre-semester work, have reconnected with Romer, and even have a new car. Not to mention i will see Z tomorrow and shes all better, J is happy at GW, and life has been restored to the normal, organized school schedule. Though school sucks, im kinda excited to be back on a schedule. and a diet schedule, because i need it. One thing im not looking forward to however, is tennis. ouch. I neglected my duty of playing a challenge match this weekend with a girl on the team, which i feel bad about but hey, coach, listen, im a senior and i had a car acident. I'll definitely play it tomorrow though. So heres to a new beginning! ciao for now!

To summarize: nothing has gotten bettter. remember how i said that im hoping this low point will end soon? Well, its only gotten worse and i cant get out. Thats probably the worst attitude to have also, but what can i say, thats why i blog.  Greek was on on tueday, which made my day a little better even though the episode wasnt so hot. I spent most of the time that night setting up and organizing for the tennis team party which was on wednesday at my house. The party went pretty well, even though it was short due to the match ending late. Everyone swam, went on the trampoline, and ate. It was good, except i was kinda scattered from organizing and just being everywhere. Anyway, that was yesterday and to say the least, today just sucked. Before i start my rant, let me just say that everything is my fault, or my fault indirectly because i dont know how to deal with the situation. Now i will try to straighten out.

First, tennis is lame this year. The team is alright and everyone can play pretty well, but im just not into it. Ive narrowed my tennis issues down to 2 main problems: im not in the swing of it yet playing wise, and the people are difficult to deal with. So my main priority as captain is to make sure everyones happy, well, at practice, and we have snacks right? Yea, so thats done as far as i know, so far. As for dealing with the japs, im just going to do the best i can as captian and they can suck it. Moving on, i havent played a match since last year. Obviously thats a problem when coach puts me 2nd or 3rd on the team playing year-round tournament players. I told him today that i want to play doubles, even though i was 2nd singles last year. This is for 3 good reaons: first, i need support. As cheesy as that sounds i actually do. Obviously if im writing my thoughts and working out my problems on this blog, i need support, lets face it. Second, there are better people on the team. Im sure there are other players who can beat me or would love to play singles. Third, its my senior year. Im just going to put it out there that tennis isnt my first priority. Yes, freshman and sophmore year, even last year i was so totally into it; but this year i have so much on my mind its just blah. So, solutions: be the best captain possible, and play doubles while i get myself into gear. Playing doubles will make me happy that ill have someone to talk to and be supportive, and i wont feel like im going to lose everyday because im playing too high on the team.

Next issue, you can porbably guess: Romer. Romer is still there and that means im still waiting. Now it has been a while since weve seriously talked. This is mostly because ive been hanging out with J so much at work and hes been working outside for most of the day. Now that J is gone, more opportunities have opened. However, now that we havent talked for so long, ive had time and a clear head to think about this rationally. When i initially stopped just moping and thinking about how sad and angry i am about the whole situation, i began to brainstorm by thinking about what smart, good people would say or what advice they would give me about this. I did this in the car, alone of course. I decided that most down to earth people would tell me that i just have to come clean, and if i actually care that much, i need to just get it out in a heartfelt, but concise way. Face it, hes not coming to me anytime soon and he doesnt know that ive changed and im more mature. Hes not a mind reader. Smart people would tell me that if i genuinely care, which i do, i need to let him know, but not be mushy and weird about it and then if it works great, if not, leave him alone and atleast its off my chest. just tell him, in person, when im not in a rush: the opportune moment. I would just clearly say that im seriously sorry that i acted like a creepy child almost a year ago and over-texted him and that im not that way now. Ive learned form other guys being clingy to me, that i totally messed things up with him that way and its the worst possible thing i couldve done. There might be a little bit more, but basically just leave it at that and that i hope we can be good friends like we were. There's my solution, now i just have to decided when to do it and convince myself that i can, because i still care, and its not going to stop.

Third, my parents. My parents are actually the fuel for this blog because i cant talk to them about any of this. They "care" and everyday they ask me about everything oging on, but theyre so superficial and shallow. When i told my mom i have a winning block or i need to talk to a friend now, she legit laughs at me and says im stupid. Okay, maybe youre old or just a jerk and dont have feelings, but i happen to and i cant always be everything and do everything you want. plain and simple. My dad on the other hand cares, but its just awkward and i truly, i feel guilty telling him how much of a loser i am because hes spent his life working to make me succeed. I just want to tell him the good things that happen, and i know life isnt all  good, but i just dont think he can deal with it, and i feel bad. Smart people would say, try it out on him and maybe hell have some advice or help, but again, ive known him long enough and made enough mistakes using his advice and my moms that ive given up trying that. My parents laugh at me because they think and always tell me that i get everything i want. I hate when they say that. Possibly because i in reality dont get everything i want but mainly because even if i do, i dont get everything i need. get it? Um solution is pending for this, and it has been for almost 18 years, but for now i need one, and that would be to keep writing on here and talking to Z. I talked to her today after i lost my match and it helped. Shes almost cured (yay) so she'll be in school and shes going through the same college shit and work as me. So just finding other people and things to help is the best right now.

Fourth, college and school. This should be my first priority right now, but sadly, it only ranks fourth on my mind. I need to write college essays, practice sat and subject tests, fill out applications, and finish summer reading. This is all just making myself, making time, and organization. Do it. Another issue that my parents pledged to help my with, but havent made the time and really dont care as much as they say. Solution: take the initiative and get my anger out by writing, but also by getting it all done as efficiently as possible. Easier said than done a week before school starts.

Fifth, my weight. Hey, atleast i rank it low on my priorities. Ive gained 8 lbs this year and im used to being ballerina skinny. It makes me want to cry sometimes that i used to be so in shape and look better. Not that im fat at all and i know that , i just dont want to let myself go because im depressed. solution: once school starts ill know what time and when im eating, everyday because ill have a schedule. I will then make up good lunches and plan out a good diet. hopefully.

I dont think theres a sixth right now. Im obviously just stressed. If i did have a sixth it would probably be that i have no life. As you know, i live in the middle of nowhere and driving 45 minutes to my friends or the city isnt really an option as much as id like it to be. Its a hassle and get depressed because of it. Its lonely out here, but thats not going to change and right now i have other priorities, even if they arent as fun. Ill deal with my actual social life after college apps are due. Alright so ill read this over and try to take my "smart people" advice into consideration in this last week before school. Maybe even cheer up. so ciao!

I think im having senioritis stress. and to make it all worse i seem to have no one to vent to. i guess that's why i blog. The rest of last week is a blur, however the weekend was pretty busy. Saturday was work, as usual, but J's last day. It really came and i dont know what im going to do. I still have N, my vent and basically my life mentor, but J is just essential to have at work. She's always been there since i started and now im confused. Obviously, as you know, i dont do well with change; but that's life and i guess people come and go as they please. She'll be back though for Christmas (ahhhh Christmas!) break and we are hopefully going to Dublin next summer which is exciting. Work went pretty well besides the fact that i left my paycheck in my locker and that my old boss is back. ugh, sadly, the later is permanent for the year and N and i will have to face her alone, while J is at school. Saturday went by quicky not only because it was J's last day but because the museum was crowded and we took many 'going away' pictures of course. After work we went to dinner on South Street and ate our feelings by then picking up some haagendaz. Oh, I completely forgot!-- I drove to work for the first time. and successfully i may add. I drove all the way to Philly on I95 all by myself. So yes, major accomplishment. Romer was mia because he was on vacation. It's almost fate that he wasn't there though, and im glad because i was able to just have fun with J and focus on work. Im not going to say i didnt think about it, but it made the day easier. Last night i texted him to see if he was working and could check for my paycheck. Also i texted him because im lonely, of course. Since Z has mono i barely get to talk to her and vent so im kinda lost right now. He said he has school now during the week, but i doubt he wouldve checked anyway. No, he would have but im just angry, still. Still meaning that i cry about it almost everyday. Now that i drive, maybe ill offer him a ride home soon so we can talk. im afriad that might make me worse though. Anyway, Saturday was bittersweet, heavy on the bitter, but this year will definitely not be the same.

Sunday, i partied like it was 1569. Yes, i enjoy the renaissance faire. I have literally gone every year since i was like 4 and i never get tired of it. Maybe a little, but theres always shopping and unlimited eating to do. So quickly it was back to reality today. preseason came back to bite me in the butt and remind me that school is real. college is real. deadlines are real. crap. Ive also caught myself quite frequently, lately being a huge negative nancy. I cant stop. Everything and everyone bothers me and i just cant get my life straight. Why am i a senior and so confused? Those just dont go together. Just like i convinced myself about Romer last week, maybe i can convince myself that im just at a low point and everything will work out soon. Maybe that's true. hey, and if not, it cant get much worse right? eh it definitely could, but ill just try to get though this. and wait!-- GREEK starts tomorrow night! sweeet deal. better get some ice cream for that. confused and lonely, ciao for now!

I couldnt think of a great title for this entry..probably because it hasn't been the most fantastic week so far. Sunday was annoying, to start. Work was so crowded and i was overwhelmed by crazy people. By the time i left the city at 3:10, i was already late for a semi-doublesided-family reunion that was supposed to start at my house at 3pm. When i got there, my moms side of the family included my grandparents, my crazy uncle and his weiner dog, and my other jackass uncle and his new girlfriend. My dad's side consisted of my uncle, aunt, and cousin. Then there was my sister, and me. great. So as my dad's awkward brother-in-law questioned me about colleges, my jackass uncle and his gf, C, told me about her bed and breakfast on the beach, my crazy uncle tried to sell me energy drinks, and my grandma forced antiques onto my lap, i started to barf a little bit, in my mouth, just a little. The only person i usually listen to is my grandfather making completely not-pc "jokes" about Obama. Finally i escaped with my sister after dinner and we hid swimming in the pool. I politely reminded everyone that i had preseason the next day and needed to go out to get some supplies....hah supplies.

Preseason started off with a bang. Hah im totally kidding, its about as intense as going to the mall on a sunday morning in november. It's mostly the same players as last year except a few new freshmen and about 2 new sophmores, so it should be fun. I feel bad for the jv players who have to be with, hmmm, let's called her Quizno. Quizno is the crazy jv coach that doesnt know how to play tennis worth a damn, but believes shes the queen of sheeba at tennis. So today varsity coach, S, says he has to take his daughter to college and we're stuck with Quizno until friday. joyy. She had us playing nerf ball and thinking of team spirit activites in the beating hot sun for 3.5 hours. shit. I have no idea how im going to put up with this. Well we decided that tomorrow is 80s dress up day which should be interesting while playing and also pretzel day, to ensure an extra long snack time.- yes we still think were 5, and enjoy having snack time on my team.

I'm also getting totally stressed about college apps. I never though the time would actually come when i have to write the essays or prepare them. ugh. its nerveracking. Plus taking and SATs again, and subjects tests sucks. Not to mention college visiting that hasnt occured this summer. Hopefully by Christmas break ill be good to go and everything will be settled. hopefully.

On a lighter, happier note, the new season of GREEK starts in a week! next tuesday! how exciting! Greek and gossip girl are actually the only shows that i watch religiously now, and neither are currently on, so im totally psyched for Greek. I also got a lot of errands done today and went out to lunch with my sister, A. So im going to watch the olympics, or atleast a movie and settle down. ciao!

For the amount of time between these enties, not too much has gone down. Actually, there have been some slightly significant happenings, so of course, as usual, I'll start from the top.

Monday i caught up with some work and reading. Tuesday samezies except i drove to byrn mawr for an MJ session from 7:30-10, and driving back that late, after that long of a session, was interesting. Wednesday i was actually able to take a run, because my mouth felt a lot better. Thursday i ran a bunch of errands and then swam and my sister, A, had a friend over night who was annoying. Friday, i got up really late, ran, went over to starbs to read atonement, and then went to the mall! I hadn't been to KOP in so long it was amazing, even though A brought another friend who was annoying. I went to Hello Kitty and traded n my frequent buyer cards for this huge retro looking alarm clock. It's pretty frikin awesome and the manager said she's never seen anyone who had enough cards to take it. I felt special. psyche. It is fab though. I also bought some betsey johnson jewls.Today i just had work, a normal Saturday, except after work J and I went shopping on vintage streets and then out to dinner, since it's her second to last week before she leaves for school. Which is majorly sad, but she'll have fun.

Z has fallen ill. Seriously though, she has mono and i think its from her new--only ever--bf. He's really nice and semi good looking, but theyre pretty serious and i hope shes in school. It must suck to get it right before school starts and i wana hangout with her, so that was a bummer. She said she's been really overly tired and fainted the other day. If i didnt have preseason starting monday, and work this weekend, i would go help her out. i miss her.

Preseason starts this week! In less than 2 days...it's crazy. To be honest, im not looking forward to it at all, but since im captain, i have to put on a good face. Tennis isn't so bad once we get into the season though.

Work today went pretty well. It was J's second to last week and A's, our summer manager's, last day. A is great as a manager because she's laid back and knows our staff does work. I will definitely be sad to see H, the crazy socially awkward woman, back next week for J's last day. ugh. Chi-Chi was there and so was R, the volunteers that I'll be stuck with all year. I can't believe J is leaving me, for real. Vintage shopping with her today was so much fun. I bought 3 tank tops for 30 bucks and then we went waffle eating! We're having her official going away dinner (and donut party at work) next week, today was a fun shopping and quick dinner day. After next week i will need to find new friends besides nancy and there are not any. literally. I'll be dead. But I'll live because nancy's there and possibly new volunteers will come.

Oh, were you wondering about Romer? He was there today of course, and we spoke quickly, about twice. J says hes socially off-beat and wacky, but really he's not. Seriously though, i love J, but shes never had a convo with Romer. I've finally come to the realization that he's waiting for me. By that, i mean waiting for me to be 18, legal. He is 19 now, and will be 20 in november, which makes for a somewhat questionable relationship i guess. Maybe you're thinking, 'what? so many people go out who have crazy age differences.' But hes not that type. Hes traditional, probably paranoid a little, and wants to do the right thing. Which i really like. I will admit that Im totally whipped, and maybe a little crazy at this point, but i really do genuinely believe all that. I mean why else would he not have a gf by now? He's not that awkward and atleast to me, and to anyone that really knows him, hes adorable. So I'll wait too. Since I've come to this revelation, Ive blocked every other guy out of my mind. Including Cutie, who has been asking to hang out---constantly. Actually, not blocked them out as much as that theyre not appealing at all. Even on these lonely nights when I'd like to be hanging out with someone or at a party, im not desperate or compelled to find anyone else. Im not saying that Romer's not out partying, and i dont know anything about his real personal life except what i see on facebook, but i have hope and full faith in him. I have 9 months til im 18, and I'll be waiting. I'll be busy too this year, so hopefully itll go fast.-not the fun senior year part, but the Romer wait.

Anyway, i have work tomorrow so i better sleep a little, and monday is preason...back to the minaline. Should be some fun, interesting stories. Ciao for now!